This is an Apology

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for so many things.

I’m sorry that I can’t make you laugh, or even make you happy for that matter.  I’m totally stupid when it comes to handling people.  I can’t even handle myself, so how could I ever hope to carry your weight for you when it becomes too heavy?  I wish I could.  I wish so badly that I could support you when you need a shoulder.  But I don’t know how. 

I’m sorry that I don’t know what to say when you need comforting words.  For all that I write, you’d think I’d be better with words.  But I lack the social skills to give the right words at the right times.  I know too many words, incidentally, and they all blur and fudge together on the flat of my tongue and end up staying there.  Stuck on their way to delivery.  What ends up coming out is usually off topic and nonsensical, or, at the very worst, damaging.  Usually proves that I have no idea how to deal with emotions, that I’m totally disconnected.  Hopelessly ignorant.

I’m sorry that I’m such a handful.  I’m sorry that I need a babysitter when I’ve gone and drank too much.  I’m sorry that I go running outside into the snow, barefoot, because the walls are suddenly far too close and I’m hurting but not in the way I want to hurt and you feel obligated to chase me down.  I’m sorry that I’m so difficult about it, that I’m so obvious.  I wish I could pull myself together or, if I absolutely must have a slight breakdown, find some place hidden away from view to do it.  Like the bathroom where I vomited up all the liquor my stomach could hold.  I don’t like making you feel like you have to take care of me.  I’m sorry I can’t do it myself.

Sorry for being such a mess.  Sorry for all the lying.  Sorry for making this apology about me when I really wanted to just simply apologize to you.  I’m so, so sorry for dragging you into this with me.

There’s more that I’m sorry for, but we’d be here all night and into the morning if I really got going on the subject.  I’ll just get to the point; I apologize for my inadequacy, I apologize for each of my flaws, and I apologize for anything about me that you find cumbersome.  Please, forgive me.