Fever Dream

I'm having one of those days.

Nah.  I shouldn't preface this in such a manner, as if days like this are typical for me because they most certainly are not.  I'm having a day.

I'm sick, again, with whatever cold/flu/illness has been passing itself from carrier to carrier.  After surviving three weeks of heavy lungs, watery eyes and a sore throat I thought I'd kicked it.

Until two days ago when I woke up at 4 am feeling like someone had taken sandpaper to my esophagus.

So here I lay, bundled on the couch in a heavy sweater, my favorite sweatpants, wool socks, two blankets and playing mattress to a cat.  Lord of the Rings is marathoning on my TV, Harry Potter to follow.  Every half an hour or so I drag myself into the kitchen for more tea loaded with honey.  I've even managed to slurp down a bowl of ramen noodles because although I'm on my deathbed I am still #self_sufficient.  I lay here monitoring the way my ear canals (note the plural) are starting to feel hot and itchy, which I instantly recognize with resigned dismay as the precursor to a double ear infection, something I was afflicted with every winter as a child.  I also note a thirst for orange juice, an oddity all its own since I really don't care for orange juice at all.  To top things off, there's a little spider hanging out in the juncture of my living room wall and ceiling.  He'll have to be done away with eventually, but at this point I can't be bothered to put forth the effort that would require.  Maybe he's poisonous and is plotting my demise.  If that's the case, I would appreciate him walking those eight skinny legs of his down here and putting me out of my misery already.  Really, any moment would be timely since I'm due for another bloody nose in the next few hours or so.

Then, quite honestly out of nowhere, this little pang thrums in my chest.  I feel my eyebrows draw down because, um, what the hell?  Was that a Feeling?  It better not have been a Feeling because that is something I simply do not have the wherewithal to deal with today.  I'm too busy being sick and miserable.

It doesn't go away, feels like a tiny fish hook embedded in my heart and gently tugging, and I identify what sort of Feeling it is quickly enough, letting out a frustrated groan when I figure it out.

I'm Lonely.
 
Ugh, why does it have to be That One?  There is so little that can be done about That One, especially right now with my inability to speak a sentence to the damn cat, much less carry on a conversation with anyone.  Also the weather.  I'm snowed in, and probably wouldn't even make it out the driveway. 

Anyway, so apparently I'm Lonely.  I'm very often alone, but seldom am I actually Lonely.  The mystery of the introvert, I suppose.  When I do get Lonely, like real, "I need another human right now" Lonely...it's not comfortable.  I don't suppose it is for anyone.

This isn't just any brand of Lonely as I soon discover with what I wish I could call disgust but is more like apathy.

I want someone to cuddle with.  God, writing it down makes me squirm with discomfort; if I thought that sentence sounded cringe-worthy in my head then it's even worse on paper.  I feel myself getting whiny, because I'm sick, and I'm tired, but I've already slept so much and I just want someone to curl up with now.  If I had a Cuddle Buddy, they could get me more tea, and run to the store for Redbox movies and good Kleenex and the orange juice I'm so desperate for.  They could also kill that spider who, sadly, seems utterly benign.  Coming up with this list of practical tasks for Cuddle Buddy makes me feel marginally better, as it downplays some of the emotional needs that birthed this ridiculous want in the first place.

I would pity Cuddle Buddy, because I'm little more than a sweaty corpse at this point.  "But I would be Cuddle Buddy's sweaty corpse!," my brain pathetically chimes in.  Stop it, Brain, you're supposed to be the practical one here.  I have my hands full trying to deal with Heart, I don't need the both of you teaming up against me.  Since I'm very sick, dying even, it is perfectly acceptable for me to address my internal organs in this manner.

But yes, I do feel pretty gross.  If I get up to take a shower my body will maybe feel better, but I doubt this Feeling will wash off quite so easily.  I'm not sure where this sudden atypical longing is coming from.  Maybe from that romance novel I read last month.  Or the NyQuil.  Yeah, most definitely the NyQuil.  I'll just wait for the Feeling to pass, hopefully when this fever breaks.